Katharina Buczek
It Can Be Tempting To Try To Be Friends With Your Ex
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer. Unless your ex did something horrible, like cheat on you, it can be tempting to try and remain friends following your breakup.
Throughout your relationship, you probably learned more about your ex than you ever imagined. And they may have become your confidant, the person you loved spending time with most, or someone who simply understood you better than anyone.
The Shared History You Have Makes Breaking Up So Hard
In my opinion, that’s precisely why splitting up is so hard. You have all this history, share a ton of memories together, and have invested so much time into getting to know one another.
So, when you break up, it can be terrifying to think about all of that vested time and interest getting erased and having to start over.
But These Are 6 Signs You Can’t Stay Friends With Your Ex
That’s why countless people attempt to stay friends with their exes, and in some situations, it can actually work out. On the flip side, though, there are a few telltale signs that you just can’t be friends with your ex.
1. You Haven’t Gotten Enough Space
When you officially call it quits, the best thing you can do is take some time for yourself to process, heal, and begin living your new version of “normal” as a single person.
But if you immediately agree to remain friends with your ex, and they keep texting you, wanting to hang out, or venting about their feelings, it’s impossible to get adequate space.
A bit of emotional distance is actually the best way to make a friendship with an ex work out in the long run. Plus, denying yourself this period and not focusing on yourself can lead to sustained dependence on each other, which won’t help you move forward.
2. You’re Not Over Them
Before you decide to remain friendly with your ex, take a step back and be honest about why you actually want to.
If you truly value them as a person and believe they can add to your life in a purely platonic way, that’s fine. More often, though, people clutch to the idea of friendship as a crutch that helps them maintain some form of contact with their ex, who they’re still in love with.
It’s completely normal to have feelings for an ex, even after you break up. But the only way to move on is by giving yourself time and space.
It’s also not healthy to remain friends with a past partner out of the hope that you’ll possibly get back together. Nine times out of 10, you will get your heart broken all over again.
3. You’re Still Hooking Up With Them
Do friends regularly hook up? No. So, if you and your ex ended things, yet you’re still being physical, that’s a red flag.
You’re both blurring the lines between friends and something more. And in the long run, continuing to hook up can make it even more difficult to move on.
So, try to avoid this for your own emotional sake and leave any physical desires in the past if you want a true shot at friendship in the future.
4. They’re Disrespecting Your Boundaries
How you treat and communicate with your ex will obviously change after you split. You may start to prioritize other things in your life, like your family or work, and you might not talk with them as much.
Setting some “ground rules” can help you and your ex navigate being friends, which is honestly going to be a very different relationship than your past romantic one.
However, if you notice your ex starts to violate your boundaries, such as by guilting you into seeing them, it’s a sign that friendship isn’t the healthiest option right now.
5. Old Issues Are Popping Up
As the saying goes, “Old habits die hard.” Certain issues you had with your partner, including jealousy, lack of trust, bad communication, over-expectations, or recurring arguments, don’t always just disappear when you transition to friendship.
Instead, old problems you previously encountered as partners can sometimes invade your friendship, dragging you back to the past.
If you notice you and your ex are falling into old, toxic patterns again, break the cycle and get some space.
6. The Friendship Is Preventing You From Moving Forward
Last but not least, friendships are supposed to inspire, motivate, and support, not make us feel held back.
This can occur during friendships with exes for a variety of reasons. On the one hand, you may still have feelings for your ex deep down, and staying in contact with them is preventing you from fully processing your emotions and opening yourself up to someone new.
On the flip side, your ex may make you feel bad about trying to start your next chapter and put yourself out there, even though you aren’t together anymore. In either case, it’s not fair to you, and it’s only delaying the inevitable. If you cannot move forward with your ex as a friend, don’t feel guilty about letting them go.
What Do You Think? Are You Friends With An Ex?
So, what do you think? Are there any more signs that you can come up with, and are you friends with an ex?
