How To Avoid Falling Victim To The Romeo And Juliet Effect When Raising A Teenager
When you transition from being a child to a teen, it’s natural to gain a heightened sense of independence and test your boundaries.
If you’re given a curfew of 10:00 p.m., for instance, you may push it and stay out until 11:00 p.m. Or, if you’re forbidden from going to a house party, you might sneak out and attend anyway.
Parents know that dealing with rebellion is a common part of raising a teenager. However, trying to stifle a teen’s autonomy can seem like an impossible task, particularly when it comes to policing their romantic relationships.
Think about it: have you ever entered a relationship with someone who your parents, siblings, or even your friends didn’t like? If so, how did you react?
Whether you were a teenager or an adult, you probably didn’t just fold at the first sight of disapproval. Instead, you might’ve plunged yourself even further into the relationship and relished feeling a bit rebellious.
This psychological phenomenon has been coined the “Romeo and Juliet Effect.” During the 1970s, three researchers, Richard Driscoll, Keith Davis, and Milton Lipetz, conducted a study on 140 couples.
Each couple was given a questionnaire to test two hypotheses. First, “feelings of love become more highly correlated with trust and acceptance as relationships develop through time,” and second, “parental interference in a love relationship intensifies the feelings of romantic love between members of the couple.”
Both hypotheses were confirmed, revealing that Shakespeare’s classic tale of star-crossed lovers is more applicable to common teen relationships than you might think.
In other words, the more that parents try to oppose their teenager’s romantic endeavors, the more potent it will become.
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Now, if you’re currently raising a teenager, you may be wondering how to avoid falling victim to the “Romeo and Juliet Effect.”
It could sound counterintuitive, but the first thing you should do is take a step back and let your teenager make mistakes. It’s the only way they will learn.
Keep in mind that your teen fighting against your disapproval isn’t always just about the person they’re seeing or the relationship they claim to want. Rather, it’s tied to their desire for independence and respect.
Teenagers are just beginning to form their sense of self and discover their individuality. Any disapproval from you, then, may put them on the defensive and encourage them to retreat to their romantic relationship even further, viewing it like a protective bubble.
So, give them a bit of freedom to make their own decisions and encourage open conversations that aren’t judgmental. Check-in on how their romantic endeavor is making them feel and make it known that you’ll always be there for support.
At the same time, you can work to ensure your teen has a solid frame of reference when it comes to healthy relationships. Whether single, dating, or married, take stock of your own love life and determine if you’d want your teen to view you as a role model.
Research has shown that children who believe their parents are good role models in relationships tend to follow their example.
Finally, no matter how frustrated you may become by your teen’s behavior or decision-making, remember that you are on the same team.
By criticizing or belittling, you will only damage your parent-child relationship and make it much more unlikely that they’ll come to you in times of need.
The best thing you can do is remain patient, express genuine curiosity, and try to make each conversation feel safe and supportive. Situations should be tackled together as opposed to turning into “you against them.”
Of course, you will always remain on the lookout for situations that could be damaging to your teen’s well-being. It would be unreasonable to tell any parent not to.
Nonetheless, without fostering trust and showing your teen that they’re unconditionally supported, it will be much more difficult to catch any serious red flags.
To read the “Romeo and Juliet Effect” study’s complete findings, visit the link here.
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