5 Signs You Have A Hostile Ex, Plus 4 Ways To Deal With Them
Wouldn’t It Be Nice If Breakups Were Easy And Painless?
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer. Wouldn’t it be nice if breakups were quick and unemotional? In a perfect world, you might even get to remain friends with your ex.
Unfortunately, That’s Just Not Reality
And more often than not, splitting up is a long, difficult process. And as you try to deal with your own emotional turmoil, you may have a hostile ex who’s making the whole ordeal even harder.
Anger And Hostility Can Be More Common Than You Think
Anger and hostility aren’t uncommon following breakups, regardless of whether your relationship ended because of something severe, like infidelity, or simply due to incompatibility.
That Doesn’t Mean It’s Okay, Though
A tumultuous ex can make you feel trapped, helpless, and unable to move on. Out of nowhere, the caring and patient person you previously loved is resentful, spiteful, and/or desperately clinging to you.
They could be struggling with an anxious attachment style, which prompts them to try everything they can to keep you close. On the flip side, they may be suffering from emotional dysregulation prompted by your sudden split.
Here Are 5 Signs You Have A Hostile Ex
Either way, it’s not fair to you, especially as you attempt to heal and move on. Here are some toxic signs to watch out for, as well as how to handle the hostility.
1. Your Phone Is Constantly Blowing Up
If your phone is constantly blowing up with texts, calls, or DMs on social media, that’s a telltale indicator you have a hostile ex. They’ve become obsessive, trying to get your attention in any way possible.
2. They’re Stalking You On Social Media
At the same token, they might be stalking your social media hardcore. Photos you posted years ago may suddenly be receiving random likes or comments from your ex as they attempt to stay intertwined in your life.
3. They Sob, Scream, Or Guilt You During Conversations
Then, when you actually do talk to them, the conversations are rarely calm or logical. Your ex may sob, scream, or guilt you in an effort to keep you showing up for them.
4. They Invade Your Social Circle
Sometimes, hostile exes even invade your social circle, spreading rumors or trying to turn your own friends against you. And if you’ve started to move on, they may attempt to sabotage your future relationship and drag you back to the past.
5. They Drop By Unannounced Or Leave You Unwanted Gifts
Other red flags include exes who randomly drop by unannounced, leave you unwanted gifts, gaslight you into questioning past experiences or memories, or work to get a rise out of you to maintain contact, no matter if it’s positive or negative.
Here Are 4 Ways To Handle Your Hostile Ex
Navigating life with a hostile ex can be incredibly draining, and depending on the severity of their behavior, it may be best to seek help from a professional, like a therapist or counselor.
1. Set Firm Boundaries
Still, there are certain things you can do to lay down the law, such as set firm boundaries. Don’t let your ex scare you with their rollercoaster emotions. Make your non-negotiable boundaries clear and never compromise them.
For instance, if you’re okay with limited communication, designate how and when you’re open to talking. Or, if you want zero contact, tell them that and cut off communication completely. Don’t give in, no matter how hard they attempt to reach you.
During this time, it’s important to lean on your support system of friends and family, too. Tell them what’s going on and allow them to hold you accountable for your boundary goals.
2. Detox Your Ex From Your Life
At the same time, work on “detoxing” your ex from your system. Grab a journal and release all of your pent-up frustrations or worries. And if you’re ready to let go of any physical reminders, toss them in a box and either trash or donate them.
Now, if your ex continues to show up in your life, whether that’s via calls on your cell phone or attempts to see you in person, keep a log of their behavior. In the event any legal action needs to be taken, you will have a solid record of incidents to protect yourself.
3. Develop Healthy Coping Skills
Finally, all of this conflict may leave you with trauma and cause you to rely on coping skills. That’s why it’s important to develop healthy ones.
Yes, we may all reach for a tub of ice cream and some wine from time to time. But this isn’t a sustainable strategy for your mental health.
Instead, you can turn to habits such as going to therapy, exercising, creating art, meditating, or socializing to free your mind and improve your mental well-being.
4. Finally, If Your Ex Won’t Quit Being Hostile, Seek Legal Advice
And if, despite everything, your ex continues to be a persistent, hostile presence in your life, it may be a good idea to seek legal advice.
An attorney can help you determine if your ex’s behavior constitutes harassment or stalking and if filing a restraining order or harassment charges would be in your best interest.
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