Two years ago, this 35-year-old man married his 33-year-old wife, and the last half of this year hasn’t been going that well for them.
His wife has pretty much morphed into a different person, and she often melts down when she doesn’t get her way.
As she’s mid meltdown, she tears him down and says the worst things to him, frequently threatening to file for divorce.
But once her meltdowns have passed, she says sorry and does a complete 180 with her behavior. Other than her tantrums, his wife is loving and amazing.
Several months back, he decided to leave his job to pursue creating a company of his own. He spoke to his wife at length about his plans, and she cheered him on.
He did mention on multiple occasions that during his career change, money would be tight for as long as a year afterward.
His wife stated that was alright with her, and she was happy to keep a job to help financially support them, but right now, she is unemployed. If his wife even picked up a part-time position, that could help them out significantly.
“Now, the same week I quit my corporate job, she sat me down and told me that she wants to start trying to [have] a baby,” he explained.
“Like, now. When I pushed back on that and asked her to wait until my business is a little more off the ground, it led to a big fight and a divorce threat – or rather, for the first time in our relationship, a divorce ultimatum: start trying now, or we’re done.”
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“After she calmed down, she agreed to wait a month, which frankly is nowhere near sufficient, but it is what it is. When I asked her what we’re going to do if the child is born before we’re financially secure, her response was that she’ll get jobs, I’ll get more jobs, her family will help with childcare, and we’ll pull through.”
This is hardly a simple path to parenthood, but if they both are determined to pull their weights, they can swing this plan.
His business is off to a more profitable start than he anticipated, and he’s pulled in more money than he thought he would.
But he still needs his wife to find a job in order for this to work out. Several days ago, his wife melted down again, and she blurted out that she no longer feels stable with him, is doubting his ability to make his business work, and currently would like to be a stay-at-home mom.
His wife thinks she should not have a job for at least the initial two to three years after she gives birth. His heart dropped, as again, he’s been counting on his wife to find a job to help him while he starts his business, but she’s looking to go back on her word.
The worst part of this meltdown was that his wife decided to give him a second ultimatum: he needs to make a specific amount of money in one year, or she’s finished with him, and she doesn’t care if they have a baby at that rate, she’s still going to walk away.
“After she came back to her senses, she did apologize and claimed she “didn’t mean” what she said, but I haven’t quite had the courage to ask if that includes the divorce ultimatum and the SAHM part,” he added.
“Realistically, given the conditions she has set, I would need to be making enough by next year to provide for a SAHM wife and an infant. I’m not sure I can meet that within that timeframe – which is exactly why I wanted to wait before trying for a baby.”
Usually, he would attempt to draw a solid boundary around his wife’s ultimatum, but he has yet to do that, most likely because it pains him to think of having to discuss separating from his wife.
But her ultimatums are troublesome, and he doesn’t want to put himself in a position where he promises something only to break that promise down the line.
Complicating things further, he’s an immigrant in his wife’s country (they do not live in America), and his wife is tied to his residency status.
He needs a few years to be able to obtain his status as a permanent resident, so if he tries drawing any boundaries with his wife in response to her ultimatum and she leaves him, that jeopardizes the new business he just launched.
He has everything to lose here. He is seeking legal advice for the part of his problem regarding his residency status, but he’s left wondering how he can fix his marriage. He thinks he should just cross his fingers and keep acting normally.
“So far, my plan is to just sort of hope for the best and keep the current course,” he continued. “I understand that the outcome is not up to me only, but I’d like some outside opinions on how best to move forward – perhaps tell me what you would do in such a situation?”
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