Here’s Why You Likely Miss Your Ex, And How You Can Finally Stop
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer. Nothing in life is easy to quit cold turkey. This is as true for giving up sugar or stopping smoking as it is for leaving behind your ex.
Even if you ripped the bandaid off and fully cut contact with your past partner, you may still find yourself missing them, regardless of whether they were wonderful or a downright jerk.
It can be both deeply upsetting and infuriating, too. In your brain, you might feel like you’ve done everything right and are ready to “move on.” Yet your heart is saying otherwise.
While this is enough to drive you nuts, hopefully, you can find some comfort in knowing that it’s quite normal. Plus, we’re here to give you some actionable ways to let go for good.
Why Do You Still Miss Your Ex?
No relationship is the same, meaning there are plenty of reasons why you may still be longing for your ex. Still, one of the most common is failing to grieve your partnership after it officially ends.
For some of us, breakups mean ugly crying and drowning ourselves in tubs of ice cream. This stereotypical portrayal of women post-heartbreak isn’t one-size-fits-all, though. That’s because others may try to avoid feeling their sadness and anguish altogether.
You might’ve found some way to escape, such as delving into your career head-on or socializing with friends like your life depended on it. You never actually gave yourself the time to grieve and process your emotions, which is why they’re popping up again randomly down the line.
Another really common cause of missing your ex is reminiscing. No matter how amazing or horrible your last relationship was, there were probably at least a few happy memories.
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And when you start to feel lonely, it’s easy to throw on some rose-colored glasses and remember romantic gestures, date nights, or adventures, ignoring the other problems and turmoil you and your ex encountered together.
Now, a less-often talked about reason is the loss of identity. Have you ever known someone (or been that person) who entered a relationship, seemingly ditched their friends and personal interests, and took on the social circle and essential “persona” of their partner?
In these instances, they gave up their sense of self and closely intertwined their lives with their partner. So, once their relationship ends, they may feel empty and like they lost a literal part of themselves.
Not to mention, if the relationship was serious, and future plans such as marriage or children were being discussed, then the unexpected loss of these shared goals can be beyond jarring.
Other reasons why you could be missing your ex include comfort in routine, the security they provided, or the fact that you haven’t found someone new.
How To Stop Missing Your Ex
First things first: if you haven’t given yourself the space to grieve your breakup, it’s essential to close your last chapter and move on. Stop being afraid of feeling your emotions and let them flow.
For some, this could mean reflecting on all aspects of their past relationship by journaling. Others may find clarity and solace by speaking to family, friends, or a therapist or clearing their schedule for some quiet time with their thoughts.
Then, only once you’ve processed your emotions is it helpful to remain busy and focus on taking care of yourself. It can be reinvigorating to get back into old hobbies, try out new interests, or simply spend more quality time with your loved ones.
Next, whenever the urge to think of your ex through rose-colored glasses bubbles up again, remind yourself why you broke up in the first place. Redirect your thoughts to be realistic, not idealistic.
I’m not saying you cannot have any fond memories of your past partner and hold them close to your heart. However, it’s unhealthy to let them falsely overshadow the real issues that previously made you unhappy and led to your relationship’s downfall.
It’s also very easy to get caught up in “what-ifs” and negative thoughts about the future, particularly if the breakup wasn’t your idea or you’d planned to start a life with your ex. Try your hardest not to stew.
Support systems are key during the post-breakup period, and leaning on some trusted friends or relatives can make a huge difference. Remember that they are there for you, value your presence, and are able to help ground your thought process if you find yourself going down a rabbit hole.
Finally, realize that getting over your ex is not something that can happen overnight. Don’t beat yourself up if you find yourself missing them even months afterward. Everyone’s “moving on” process is different; there’s no one-size-fits-all timeline.
You shouldn’t throw yourself into new flings, either, since these casual endeavors may just be a subconscious way of filling the void that your ex once occupied. Rather, it’s important that you find your sense of individuality again and feel secure as a single person before opening yourself up to any new romantic opportunities.
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