Her Husband Records All Of Their Fights, So She’s Considering A Divorce
Recording your partner during a fight certainly doesn’t do anything to de-escalate the situation – instead, it most likely will serve to do the opposite while making the other person feel violated. I just don’t think this is the best method of conflict resolution, do you?
This 53-year-old woman and her 60-year-old husband have been together for the last 17 years, and five years ago, her husband got the idea in his head to record one of their fights.
“The next morning, he approached me to let me know that he had recorded our argument, and he thought I should listen to myself,” she explained.
“I was so ashamed because I knew I was yelling and very triggered. I refused to listen to this recording as I knew that the reason I was upset was valid and my dysregulated state was not ok.”
“I started to really pay attention during conflicts. I noticed a pattern- I would bring something up, and my husband would accuse me of attacking him, no matter how calm or how many I statements I used.”
He would jump to canceling their argument, and if she attempted to get him to see her side of things, he would say she was being argumentative.
From there, he would bring up every single error she’s ever been guilty of in her life, which she thought they had already moved past and she had said sorry for.
He also loved to drag up topics she had no clue he was even bothered by. So their new direction would be centered on how she’s so terrible and unappreciative of him, and whatever it was they were initially trying to overcome would be dropped.
That was frustrating for her, as she was rationally trying to get them both to see eye to eye, yet her husband was avoiding all that. She was truly trying to move on, put the past behind them, and find a better way to resolve conflicts.
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In time, she quit giving her husband a reaction at all, as nothing ever made a difference since her husband was hung up on how she was the problem no matter what.
“He has held this recording over my head for 5 years even though I don’t react that way anymore. Now he records any conflict to point out how I sound angry, or I am manipulating him or whatever,” she added.
He considered putting the recording on social media to have people weigh in on it, which she really felt was inappropriate.
She expressed to her husband that she found the recordings to be toxic and unhelpful, and she asked him to no longer record her.
She also requested that her husband erase all the recordings he’s made so far, but he declined to do that. She was hoping to get them to a place where they could try to forge a partnership during disputes as a better way to deal, but her husband was not interested in trying that.
“We have been sleeping separately for 2 months now as I don’t know how else to clarify this boundary,” she continued.
“I am seriously considering leaving. We have been together for 17 years.”
She’s left wondering if it’s wrong of her to want to divorce her husband since he will not stop recording her during their conflicts.
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