If someone feels very strongly about something, anything, you would think they would let their partner know sooner as opposed to later on in their relationship.
This 21-year-old girl has been dating her 22-year-old boyfriend for four years and living with him for the last two. They hardly disagree and get along wonderfully.
Several months ago, she and her boyfriend were hanging out with their friends, and their conversation turned to changing your last name upon getting married.
She and her boyfriend have chatted about this in the past, and she has told him she does not want to take his last name, as it’s meaningful for her to either keep her last name or create a new one that honors her last name and his.
“Later, when we got home, he told me that not taking his last name would be a dealbreaker in the relationship. I was pretty taken aback by this, as he’d never mentioned this previously,” she explained.
“He told me he’s always felt this way but just didn’t want to bring it up. He said ever since he was a kid, he’s imagined his wife taking his last name and that it’s very important to him.”
“This has all left me very confused. I love him so much, and I would absolutely change my last name for him, but the more I think about it, the more upset I am that this is worth more to him than our entire relationship. I feel like he wouldn’t make the same sacrifice for me if that makes sense.”
Now, her boyfriend is not a traditional kind of guy, which adds to the confusion here. They equally pay for dates and split up chores in their house 50/50.
They have addressed that in the future, when they have children, childcare will be a shared responsibility as well, so for him to take such a severe stance on a last name is shocking to her.
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They have not had the opportunity to discuss this further, as when she has attempted to talk to him about the last name thing, he dismisses her.
His avoidance isn’t helping the situation, and she’s quite concerned. She’s unsure of how to handle this, as it does need to be discussed again.
Usually, her boyfriend is very rational and sensible, so she’s thinking perhaps she should say nothing and wait to see if she can sway his opinion. He’s normally quite open to considering beliefs outside of his own, too.
She just can’t believe her boyfriend waited years to tell her about his one dealbreaker, and she’s upset that it appears he doesn’t care that much about her if he’s willing to walk away over a last name.
“Is it worth risking a 4-year relationship to stand up for myself over something trivial?” she wondered.
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